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• Sex Camp

  Feb 10th 2009

  By: tom cottar

  7 comments

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  In the 2008 hit movie Juno, Juno’s father tells his teenage daughter, who has just disclosed that she is pregnant, “I didn’t know you were that kind of girl,” to which Juno replies, “I don’t know what kind of girl I am.” 

  Gone are the days when good girls “don’t” and bad girls “do.” Now good girls might, sometimes, depending on their feelings for the guy and who the guy is. Good girls, according to current cultural norms, should be concerned with how they look and express interest in boys, and they probably shouldn’t be too uptight about sex. And aren’t girls supposed to want to get their needs met, at least a little, too? 

  These rules, murky as they are, can also backfire. Girls can end up pregnant like Juno (or Bristol Palin), they can inadvertently cross the slippery boundary between “hot” and “slutty,” or they can be victimized and subsequently blamed for it.
  

  And then, there are the teflon-coated guys… who are just as confused and clueless and misguided, but don’t pay the same price as young girls for their choices. Reputations and lables don’t stick to them as readily, so they continue to skate freely, still misguided. 

  Each spring our ministry puts together a six-session study called Sex Camp. Aimed at our middle schoolers and high schoolers, we attempt to paint some foundational concrete about sexuality, purity, and relationships, as well as cover some practical, prescriptive ideas for dating and purity. We try to lay the foundation, not specifically for the act of sex, but for the act of being human, underscored with one single principle: pursing Jesus brings life, just as pursing sin brings death. The illustration we use is that of our solar system: Jesus is not at the top of our priority list, but at the center of our universe. Everything must revolve around him or the result is disastrous. He is the Son/Sun. (Yes, Jesus is the big ball of gas in the midst of our existence!) 

   

  We typically cover the following topics:

  • Jesus: The Big Ball of Gas
  • Sex and the Supremacy of God
  • STD’s
  • What If I’ve Blown It? (Grace)
  • Should I Date (and How to Date Well)
  • How Far Is Too Far?  (which is a bad question, btw…) 
  • Lost in the Wilderness (Pornography, Abortion, Homosexuality), including resources from XXXChurch and Abort73. 

  Here’s where YOU come in. If you could write the curriculum, what topics would you want covered? What points would you make? What discussions would you want to make sure took place?  And what about PARENTS? Recognizing the fact that multitudes of parents have trouble talking to their kids about sex, what would be of aid for them? 

   

  Any and every thought or idea you have is appreciated…

   

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  • 

    scott

    February 11th, 2009 at 07:19

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    So. You asked for thoughts? I suppose I have a few. I doubt that surprises you. They flow from a lot of sources. The increasingly predominant culture in the US is, any many ways, the continued outworking and development of that culture which shaped and formed me. That certainly includes sexuality. If anything, I’m still working to acquire a ‘Christian’ perspective in this arena.

    So in many ways, while I recognize that many who are roughly the same age as me find discontinuity between their formative culture and the more dominant culture today, it feels naturally continuous to me. It is not the same, by any means, but there is a sense of continuity and familiarity. And so I feel that there is much in my experience which strangely fits within these discussions.

    I’ve also spent the past 27 years raising children, both boys and girls. I’m not sure I’ve learned much, other than the depth of my own ignorance, but I have seen a lot even as I made many mistakes. And I wouldn’t be who I am if my observations didn’t at least try to dig beneath the surface.

    But I also have not been merely an observer of my own children. I’ve been involved in the youth activities of my kids well before I became anything like a Christian. And our house has often been one of the places their friends hung out. We’ve even hosted a couple of garage bands in our day. (And Tim’s went on to play some gigs at some of the clubs and other venues before they moved on and to some extent apart.)

    So I recognize there are many streams feeding my thoughts and reactions as I read, listen, and write. I probably don’t even recognize them all.

    With that said, I think I’m going to take exception to your statement that guys are ‘teflon-coated’ in our present culture. That was my immediate gut reaction to the statement. And as I’ve considered it, I realized I’m not sure exactly how you meant it, but I can’t think of any context in which I accept the characterization. I don’t think culture treats guys as though they are teflon-coated. And I don’t think they encounter much, including sexuality, as though they were teflon-coated emotionally. Nor are they protected from practical consequences. I can’t find a context in which I would even begin to agree with that statement.

    First, from the context in which you wrote it, I don’t think you meant boys were emotionally teflon and could (for the most part) generally skate from one sexual encounter to another easily and without consequence. But it remains a common cultural idea and one which is sometimes pushed onto boys. Yes, some of both boys and girls (and there really isn’t much difference these days) will act out as if this were true. But that’s not a majority. If anything, the boys are, in general, even more emotionally vulnerable today than the girls. And have fewer resources to cope. That’s a conversation that can’t be reduced to a few paragraphs.

    They are also hardly shielded from the practical consequences as well. They are certainly no less vulnerable to STDs. If a girl becomes pregnant, they may be fortunate enough to carve out some real space for themselves in that context, but mostly they will be seen as, at best, a wallet. And most of the time presumed to be a useless deadbeat. And they walk a fine line socially as well.

    There has also been a continued breakdown in the societal taboos protecting (to some extent) our youth. It’s very much a development of the culture already present and growing when I was a teen. Teens, especially older teens, are seen as viable sexual partners by an ever-increasing number of adults (often extended adolescents themselves) with fewer cultural restrictions. Boys actually fare less well than girls here. There remains some element of societal protection of our girls, though that is fading. There is relatively little for our boys outside of contexts like schools (and sometimes precious little there). I’m not sure we’re giving them tools to navigate those waters.

    I’m glad to see STDs on the list, though hopefully not just as a scare tactic. In an era when a study which actually tested girls (including those who said they weren’t sexually active) found that one in four overall (and as I recall one in five nice suburban, white girls) of those tested has some sort of STD, it’s way past time we talked about it. Guys weren’t studied, but the numbers would, logically, have to be similar.

    However, I’m not sure that any conversation with teens on this topic in today’s environment could possibly be complete without talking about abusive relationships. Those are also on the rise and they often are not the stereotypical, overt sorts of abusive relationship (though too many are). And it’s hardly just girls being abused by guys. Abuse is not always easy to recognize. (It’s rarely easy to recognize when you’re in the middle of it until it escalates out of all control and then you may be so confused, you’re not sure what’s real and what is lies.) And things like date rape remain very much a reality.

    Of course, many of the above topics might be too much for a several week study/discussion at a church. I recognize that. There are practical limits as well as limits in what parents are comfortable in having their kids hear or discuss. But you did ask for thoughts. And there are lots of things we don’t talk about because, I guess, we want to pretend they aren’t as common as they’ve become.
  • 

    scott

    February 11th, 2009 at 07:22

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    I’m also not really comfortable with the implied statement and underlying message when you lump homosexuality in with pornography and abortion. That feels almost as bad to me as those I have heard repeatedly equate homosexuality with pedophilia.

    But that’s probably just me …
  • 

    scott

    February 12th, 2009 at 09:45

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    As I’ve reflected, it occurs to me that I probably need to flesh out the context of my thoughts behind my second comment above. It was not a throw-away thought. There was actually a fair amount behind it as I considered the nature of my reaction.

    First, I will say that I find it hard to imagine that we have many or any adult GLBT members of our church who voluntarily attend on any sort of regular basis. Given the sorts of things routinely said and even the outright hatred I’ve heard expressed at times, doing so would require a level of masochism I find difficult to fathom.

    Our students, however, are in a different boat. The majority attend because their families attend. Some are eager participants and others less so, but they have not largely made the transition to willful and deliberate attendees. Given that, I see little reason to presume that they are particularly different from our broader culture. That means that perhaps 5%, give or take, will be struggling with some sort of gender identity and/or sexual preference issue. And unless an individual confides in us, there is no way to tell who they are.

    So, by lumping homosexuality in a pot with pornography and abortion (and associating both with a meme of ‘lost’), we send several particular messages. First, to those who are already predisposed to ‘other’ (and perhaps even hate) those who may be so unlike them, we have provided further justification for their attitudes and any actions that may spring from it. It doesn’t really matter if that’s our intent. Nor am I sure we can say anything in the process to defuse the association we made at the onset.

    Secondly, by lumping all those together in that context, we are imposing and attempting (consciously or not) to shape attitude through shame. I’m not sure how else you could see and hear those associations in our context and react in any other way.

    In the process, you will also continue the process of driving away from our sort of church (and likely Christianity) those students who currently have GLBT friends or loved ones. Frankly, I’m not sure anything we could do would avert that process. Student ministry is embedded in a larger church context. But I think it’s a poor idea to reinforce it.

    As an aside, I’m also not convinced that abortion belongs in that mix. All three are issues which are pretty different from each other. And of the three, pornography is probably at least the most straightforward. Abortion is not primarily about sexuality. It’s about a culture which, by default, pits the life of a mother against that of her unborn child. Until we begin to deal with that, I’m not sure we’ll accomplish much of anything.

    I do think it would be better to simply not discuss homosexuality in a group setting than to discuss it in this manner and context. And when I look at it pastorally (Lord it feels weird to use that word, but I can’t think of a better one) I’m not sure there is one appropriate thing to say at this juncture. In the past, when someone has asked me about homosexuality, my impulse has always been to try to understand why they are asking. So I always ask leading questions and listen. (Hadn’t really realized that before.)

    If I garner the sense that the person views ‘those people’ as the other, I tend to challenge them to love. Their problem is not homosexuality. Their problem (a problem I certainly share and know all too well!) is the poverty of their love. The challenge then is to serve those we would ‘other’ until we no longer see them as ‘other’ but truly as our neighbor, our brother, our sister.

    If it’s someone who is suffering on behalf of someone they know and love who is struggling with GLBT issues (or not struggling, but experiencing societal rejection as a result), they aren’t typically looking for an intellectual, theological exploration of human sexuality. They want to share. Sometimes I think they want to hear that it’s alright to love and care for that person in their life.

    If a student is, themselves, dealing with such issues, I don’t think there is any possible way to predict what they might need to hear. Maybe, right then, they just need to talk. But I think these situations are so individual and so personal, there is no stock speech. There is no way to predict what we might need to say. If there’s ever a situation where we need to the guidance of the Spirit of God, this is it. But whatever we do is bound to be specific for that one person.

    So no. I wasn’t merely being PC. I made an essentially throw-away comment, but there was quite a lot behind it.
  • 

    tom cottar

    February 13th, 2009 at 08:31

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    scott,
    always appreciate your thoughts…even in multitudes. I certainly don’t want to do anything to isolate/condemn/push away anyone, so here are my questions and thoughts in predicting who our audience will be comprised of during these sessions…

    my ‘teflon’ comment was in regards to students who have little experience in physical intimacy. (given the age range of students we will have, I’m also confident that there are some students who have had *no* sexual or intimate dating experience). But while our older students recognize that a boy is just as responsible when a girl ends up pregnant, I’m not sure our 7th graders hold the boy in the same regard. I could be wrong here. You may have some insight with a young teen daughter at home–she may be closer to what boys her age think than you or i (or maybe not…who knows). my comment was poorly thrown in–I don’t think society at large sees teen fathers or sexually active teens as free of responsibility/consequences, but I do think that a segment of the younger students in our ministry leans in that direction. Again, I could be mistaken.

    STD’s will, i hope, not be presented ‘just as a scare tactic’. Although, fear of HIV or chlamydia is not necessarily an evil thing! LOL! STD’s are merely one more evidence of a fallen, broken world and the result of thousands of generations of sexual misconduct as laid out in Scripture. My hope is that we can present it as such.

    Abortion is a tangential element that we want to address, given the fact that by June we will have had 4 precious young teens in our ministry who’ve recently become pregnant, remain involved in our ministry, and given birth to a precious child. You’re right–Abortion is not primarily about sexuality, but given our context, it does make for an obvious segue we should probably cover during Sex Camp. Of course, i also want to be sure and cover *everything* we do with grace and restoration. And abortion is no exception in that.

    Abusive relationships? Wasn’t even on my radar. and it should have been. I know personally of young men and women in our midst who’ve been in that situation. glad you brought that to the surface.

    GLBT is a tangled issue which runs deeper than a physical action…and I greatly appreciate your thoughts. I certainly don’t want to further our view of ‘us vs. them’ in any way. (we are ALL broken ikons…) Our students (at least our HS) are trying to process the issue with other GLBT students at school. there has to be a way (again, in our context and demographic) to present a scriptural, compassionate plea for us to love and reach out to ALL people. In evangelicalism, IMO, it’s still acceptable to be prejudiced against the GLBT community. As someone with some very dear GLBT friends (some who are even believers?), I firmly believe any sexual *act* defined as perversion by scripture is sin… HOWEVER, unless my heart breaks for (all) people outside of God’s will, I may be guilty of casting the first stone. (I’m going to refrain from ranting here…suffice it to say that the religious love to read the Bible when it talks about ‘sinners’, but we/they don’t realize when Jesus slams the Pharisee…we/they are on that team.)

    If someone in our midst is struggling with a GLBT issue, you’re right, it’s not about sex. there are so many ingredients and situations that can’t be predicted and can’t be prescripted into a speech. We MUST listen to the leading of the Spirit, walk with fear and trembling, and do everything in love.

    Of course, that’s pretty true of everything we do in ministry. Pray for me in this.
  • 

    scott

    February 13th, 2009 at 14:07

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    Hmmm. Focused on a segment of the younger students in our ministry? That’s a context that didn’t occur to me at all. Like I said, I realized I didn’t understand the context for your comment. Again. Hmmm. Obviously, between menstruation and knowing someone (or a friend of a friend) who is pregnant, few of even the younger girls could be anything but deeply aware.

    The boys? It’s my observation that some of them haven’t decided whether or not they really want to begin to stop being kids. However, in the past even those I thought were least aware have surprised me more times than I can count. I don’t think any apparent teflon coating runs very deep or thick at all. Still, I can understand what you were talking about now and it at least makes a lot more sense to me.

    There are, of course, many reasons why abuse and abusive relationships are always on my radar. In practical terms, the odds are greater that there will be those present who need to hear something on this than on probably almost any other topic. I hope you can work something in.

    I think, if you want to avoid making unintentional associations and delivering implied messages that differ from what you intend to say, that you need to address the sphere of GLBT issues separately and without any catchy slogans or memes. I’m still not clear what could really be said that would be helpful in a group context of students. If it were me, I would probably start by asking how many had a friend or a loved one who was gay or lesbian. That would at least give me a clue about the needs present.
  • 

    scott

    February 13th, 2009 at 14:07

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    Oh, and I always pray for you. You’re one of my ‘people’.
  • 

    tom cottar

    February 13th, 2009 at 15:40

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    “I would probably start by asking how many had a friend or a loved one who was gay or lesbian. That would at least give me a clue about the needs present.”

    good idea.

    and thanks for the prayers…
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