It’s official. On Tuesday, September 21, 2010, the word ‘awesome’ officially retired from colloquial English. Although we are (not really) sad to see her go, everyone here at tomcottar(dot)org would like to thank her for her 20 years of faithful service to our culture. It seems that everything has a shelf life, and the cold, hard fact is that milk expires sooner than frozen peas. Sometimes you just have to throw out the milk that's gone bad.

The problem came when we started using ‘awesome’ in ways that were far less than the speechless, jaw-dropping moniker deserved. Certain things are definitely awe-inspiring, awe-worthy, and awe-giving. Like the birth of a child. A U2 or Rolling Stones concert. Like killing a yak from 1000 yards in high winds…using only mind-bullets. 

But when the Chick-Fil-A guy says he won’t charge you for your large fries, it’s not life-changing. It’s not jaw-dropping. And it’s not ‘awesome’. It’s…well…it’s just….nice. 

And when someone asks you ‘how are you doing?’, you need to be actively doing something that is awe-inspiring to others before you answer, “I’m doing awesome”, like painting the Sistine Chapel. Creating your own sunset as you rotate the Earth on it’s axial tilt of 23.5 degrees. Or immaculately conceiving your first-born child. Otherwise, you’re doing fine, great, or even wonderful…but you’re not really awesome. Sorry. 

So, let’s come up with an alternative. 

Personally, I’m lobbying for legit or righteous. But feel free to use the equally-expressive gnarly, excellent, frigtastic, or bodacious. 

If you absolutely have to use ‘awesome’, please follow the following guideline: ‘awesome’ now implies ‘some awe’ (in the same way ‘burdensome’ is something that implies ‘some burden’ and ‘worrisome’ implies ‘some worry’). So, in a literal way, ‘awesome’ can be used to describe something mediocre and something with only ‘some’ awe. If something is truly amazing, and truly ‘full of awe’, you can say it is ‘awe-ful’ (just as someone who is ‘careful’ is ‘full of care’ and something ‘fearful’ is ‘full of fear’). So, perhaps now your life is ‘awful’. 

But, please, no more ‘awesome’ unless you are carving out the Grand Canyon or walking on water. After all, it may have been Jesus who said, ‘Without Me, it’s just aweso’. 

So, for your consideration, here are five words that, IMHO, we should immediately walk away from: 

1. Awesome. Unless you’re a Valley Girl from 1982, you can surely do better. We toss ‘awesome’ around as if everything we see and experience is ‘awesome’. If that’s the case, then by sheer relativity, everything can’t be awesome (it would become ‘mediocre’ by default). In addition, if I am filled with ‘hope’, I become ‘hopeful’. If I am filled with ‘care’, I become ‘careful’. So? If I something fills me with ‘awe’, wouldn’t we describe it as ‘aweful’? And wouldn’t something that only partially fills me with awe (or fills me with ‘some’ awe), be described as ‘awesome’? In that case, I suppose the Dallas Cowboys have been truly awesome this season.

2. Obamanyms. You know, the obsession to create new, obnoxious words with the following formula: (Obama) + (whatever is on my mind) = Cleverness. You know what I mean. Obamamania. Obamanation. Franklin DelanObama. Fidel CastrObama. Obamessiah. Ok…maybe we can squeeze a little more outta that last one (at least until I finish writing the Obamessiah song to the tune of Tomlin’s ‘Jesus Messiah’. But then we’re done.) It’s just gotten Obamanoxious. 

3. Change. The great thing about any politician is his or her ability to take the simplest word and redefine it. Even un-define it to the point that no one really knows what it means anymore. We can make just about any slogan mean anything we want it to mean, as long as we stand on the right pedestal and parse our language in that direction. The only thing we have to fear is CHANGE itself…especially when it’s undefined. Granted, my spiritual gifts are cynicism and sarcasm. So, you can keep the change. I’m good. 

4. ‘The Bomb’. Despite what you’ve heard, I am not ‘the bomb’ like I might have been back in ’92. None of us are. Unless you’re an Al Queda sleeper-cell terrorist with 30 lbs of C4 strapped to your chest. In that case, you are the bomb. 

5. FAIL, and it’s cousin, EPIC FAIL. Go ahead. Right now. Put it in the clearance bin with ‘pwned’, ‘bailout’,  and ‘staycation’. My prediction is that we are already weary of FAIL because of it’s overexposure and short shelf-life and was doomed from the start. Just like Britney and K-Fed. 

Am I too harsh? Too cynical? What words would you add? Delete? 

Hmmm….I wonder if we need a list of evangelical Christianese words that need to be walked away from as well. Thoughts? 

TreeHugger Labs ran the numbers and has determined that If DST runs half the year for an hour a day, that is fully 1/48th of our total exposure to the sun that could be eliminated with the cancelling of Daylight Saving Time, almost 2% of solar heat gain annually.

That’s huge!

Read the whole article here.